Being Bipolar Is a Bear!
I have been in a state of denial, I think. Quite a while back, I was labeled with Bipolar Disorder, and while I am on a positive pole I have so much energy that I start many projects and I feel as though I can conquer the world. This is when I tell myself that I am not depressed, and the psychologists are wrong. I even entertained the thought that it is Seasonal Affective Disorder, because it does seem to come around when winter is on the horizon. For some reason I have always hated Christmas time. I am depressed every year, and quite often spend the holidays alone.
I have always felt things very deeply, and that is a blessing, and also a curse. I am so empathetic that sometimes when I am watching a movie or show and a person gets injured somehow, I actually feel it when they hit the concrete, or get their toe smashed by a hammer, etc. I’m also a musician, and sometimes I will get so into a song that I will just suddenly start crying when I am playing and singing. This can be quite embarrassing in public, actually. I am much more comfortable playing my guitar in the background until the guitar solo, and then stepping back out of the spotlight. It takes a lot of confidence to step up to the microphone and be in the the front man. When I sing, I feel I’m emotionally naked up there. Of course I do it anyways, I just know that I have to avoid certain songs in public. The blessing part? When I’m by myself and I do feel depressed I play and listen to songs that fit my mood, and I get it all out of me. Afterwards, I always feel much better. Then I crank up the heavy stuff, and get energized.
As a teenager I was so depressed I attempted suicide a couple of times, and I’m very thankful I wasn’t successful. One thing that I have developed in my adult years is a will to live. I am not going easily into that dark night. I’m going kicking and screaming, and flipping the grim reaper off with both of my middle fingers! I have a lot of music and words in me that I still need to get out. I’m not done, yet!
So let’s stop with the denial, and confront this bear. For one thing, there is a deep feeling of guilt for me because in my positive energy phase, I start a whole bunch of different things, and tell people I am going to do this and that. Then the negative phase kicks in, and I don’t have the energy, will, or the concentration to do all these things I have started. That’s when the depressions kicks in and I feel like a total loser. It causes me to not follow though with things, and let friends and family down. I avoid social gatherings because I feel too depressed.
So this is an apology to anyone who I may have let down lately, and an explanation for how I am. I really am working on trying to be more stable and reliable. I am making myself write today, because it has been too long.
PS: I welcome discussion with anyone else who may feel as I do. Please feel free to post comments, I would love to hear from you!